Why I Believe In Social

This post originally appeared on The Bluevine Collective on September 21, 2010.

Whenever someone asks me why I love Twitter, I’m initially at a loss of words (because I don’t know where to start!). But then I quickly recover, and my face lights up.

I love Twitter - among other social networks - because of what it represents. A friend described me, saying, “You like to network, but you go beyond that. You take joy in bringing people together.”

I see social media as one way to do that.

So many recent tech and business articles start out along the same lines: “Social media has drastically changed our culture...blah blah blah.” And that’s true. But I believe the social networks are uniquely placed to develop our spiritual growth. Because I believe - as Marshall McLuhan did - that the medium is the message. What if church was the blog - was the conversation - was the photo gallery - was the podcast?

Pastor Bruce Reyes-Chow is a great example. He’s a technophile, a prolific blogger. In fact, he believes in blogging as a spiritual practice. How ‘bout that? There are so many hands and feet of the church who are using the networks as additional limbs to reach others.

It breaks all boundaries. Social is open. A tweet has the power to spread like fire. A Facebook petition can mobilize and influence key legislation. Just like Gutenberg’s Bible made the Gospel available to peasants - just like the move away from all-Latin Catholic masses - just like Jesus made us a shortcut to get to God - social media gets to the heart of accessibility.

It builds relationships. I’ve formed new (in-person) relationships with folks I wouldn’t have otherwise known. God wants us to be in relationship with one another. Social media serves as an extension of - but certainly not replacement for - those relationships. A recent article from Inside Facebook describes how several different religious communities have developed an online presence that seeks to engage its members where there are most -- online.

It moves us towards authenticity. In the “old days” the Internet used to be a great place to hide out; anonymous identities could reign supreme. Defamation and libel tore across the Interwebs. And while some of that may still occur, online presence is becoming increasingly normalized. There is an expectation towards openness, honesty. If you make an error, you can quickly retract it (most of the time...). Privacy settings are great, but creating many accounts across the web, means authenticity is expected. Disqus is a fantastic example of this. It’s a commenting system that tracks your comments across the web. Friends and family often ask me how to “control” Facebook and limit what certain groups of friends can see. But doesn’t that sort of lose the whole point of social media? Doesn’t Jesus call us to live an authentic life? It’s hard to do that when you’re packing up certain parts of life for only certain people to see. We all need accountability and social media moves us, symbolically, towards that.

It is encouraging. My church’s current series is called “From Garden To City” which is a year-long bible reading plan. and it comes complete with a website that posts the daily reading, and often a blog post from a church leader reflecting on the passage. It’s amazing to wake up in the morning, do my reading, then hop and Twitter and see Pastor Joel tweeting his favorite passage, or my friend JT explaining what he learned from a verse in a Facebook note. Suddenly, the act of reading a bible has become 3-D and interactive. The daily discipline of cracking open the Word is no longer a solitary, linear activity.

All this said, I don’t want to claim that social media should in any way replace traditional forms of worship, or that social media doesn’t have its pitfalls -- it does. Social media can make us proud. It’s turned some everyday folks into Internet celebrities. Some people focus on how many “followers” or “fans” they can achieve. The constant stream of knowledge can be over-stimulating, when what we really need is some peace and quiet.

So balance is key. Like the famous Spiderman quote: “With great power comes great responsibility.” Some may think it a stretch, but I believe social media can bring me closer to others and even closer to God.

Unhooked From Relationships

Abnelphoto.com/Flickr

“Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both" is a 2007 investigative non-fiction piece from Washington Post’s Laura Sessions Stepp. It is evocative, and hardly sugarcoated.

After reading it, I can't help but believe think about how things have changed. The dating traditions I’ve heard about from my parent’s dating years don’t seem to be in place anymore. Anyone else with me? Even a recent post from Slate writes about the new memoir sub-genre - young, single women exploring a new territory:

"This crop of books is laying out what it feels like to be a young, professional, economically and sexually independent woman, unencumbered by children or excessive domestic responsibility, who earns, plays and worries her own way through her 20s and 30s, a stage of life that until very recently would have been unimaginable or scandalously radical, but which we now – miraculously – find somewhat ho-hum."

Many of my female colleagues are ambitious. Some have serious relationships, and some do not. One has a promise ring from her boyfriend – a symbol for the pre-engagement phase. Another friend finished her undergraduate studies in 3 years, and has knocked out her first year of law school at Norte Dame. My friends are in all stages of relationships - some serious, and some not.

Do you remember your first love? Does it make you squirm? Apparently, that's pretty common.

Stepp, the author of “Unhooked,” interviewed Lloyd Kolbe, formerly an adolescent health director at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Kolbe said most adults would prefer to talk about almost anything other than their early (first) loves. He said even the topic of sex comes up more often in conversations: “We demean first love, deny it, trivialize it, and so our young people trivialize it. We lose the opportunity to talk about real things, like the difference between lust and love. Sex is part of it, but not the central part of it.”

Kidoki/Flickr

Journalist Stepp suggests that as daughters grow up, parents begin worrying that crushes may become too significant, “distracting girls from more important things like algrebra.” Stepp says parents tell their daughters to “love moderately” lest they lose a college scholarship.

Stepp interviews two sisters - Cleo and Nicole - over the course of a year. The sisters grew up in a Texas suburb with manicured lawns. The girls were never allowed to play in the front yard – only in the backyard where the ‘rent and neighbors could keep an eye on the kids. Cleo notes: “We’ve had everything handed to us.”

Thus begins another commentary on our generation: The Spoon-Feds, the Silver Platters, the Pampered Ones. Stepp notes that we are “spectacular specimens raised in glass houses that are temperature-controlled and as disease-free as humanly possible…their opportunities for learning how to be responsible are few.” (Though there is room for debate on that one…).

Studies show that young women are likely to be optimistic, rule-followers who value school (Uh..check, check, check). But will they make good marriage partners, Stepps wonders? She concludes that our generation has learned little about making tough choices, attending to others’ needs or bearing burdens solo.

Stepps found that young women weren’t alone in their hang-ups about relationships. One guy told her: “To find someone, that’s really scary. Everyone wants that, but its for the rest of your life.” What happened to "going out" on a "date"? Again, it seems as though this generation is only interested in casual sex or committing to a serious relationship. Traditional dates have gone out the window. (Even someone on Urban Dictionary wrote: "Hooking up has replaced mainstream dating....It's no longer, "Omg! When will he call?" but...."Omg, that was awesome, i wonder when he'll ask me out after [last said hookup]."

Stepps continued to meet with students who viewed relationship as one of two things: (1) a serious, long-term relationship that would suck out a personal life, or (2) a series of meaningless hookups devoid of meaning.

Cultural and generational changes have affected the hookup culture. In two ways:

(1) Generational: Even 20 years ago, college residence halls enforced curfews. If a girl didn’t want to sleep over at a guy’s place (she thought he was slimy), she could politely remind her date of the rules in place. (Sometimes rules actually have a purpose – imagine that!) Technology, too, has played a role. Conversations become more informal. Some even argue that the Internet can rob romance of its mystery.

(2) Cultural: A GWU student who studied abroad in Dublin remarked that her Irish university did not provide student housing. The result? She felt less obliged to go home with a guy. Today, the campus lifestyle is not suitable for formal dating traditions. Students work all day, and squeeze in social time with gal-pals, while hitting the social scene. It makes for a pretty full schedule. Hookup is made easy when the two bedrooms are right down the hall from one another.

Hookups are, by defintion, brief. They leave little time for either party to reflect, much lest acquire feelings or emotions. Stepp says many young women deal with depression, and in serious cases, eating disorders up to 6 months after a particular hookup. Stepp says, “This means that girls who hook up serially have to work very hard – harder than they may know or admit – to squash or deny natural feelings of connection, making themselves even more vulnerable to depression.”

Kolbe, the health education professor at IU said, “Hookups are purposely uncaring. If they turn off their emotional spigot during this time, what will happen to them as adults?

Stepp attempts to answer that question. Indeed, how will young people grasp the responsibility of adulthood and mature relationships if all they’ve ever known has been emotion-less and last only 24 hours?

Stepp says “College women say they’re not ready to commit, and indeed many may not be. But that doesn’t mean they don’t want to think about it.”

Our Gen-Y has grown up observing that 1 out of 2 marriages end in divorce. One of the students Stepp interviewed said, “I think our generation is less likely to stick around and work out problems in a marriage.”

Why else are the online dating services raking in millions of dollars? Do we really not know how to date? Do we know how to develop a relationship? I agree with Stepp that there are few models for women on how to build and develop healthy relationships.

Caveats: On one end, Stepp makes a great case for encouraging more guidance on relationship development. She made clear to make this point more than once: “A girl can tuck a Trojan into her purse on a Saturday night, but there is no such device to protect her heart.” What resources exist for our generations? And what models can we look to? On the other extreme, Stepp borders closely on criticizing a woman’s freedom to choose her path. Several friends pointed out that feminists didn’t take too well to Stepp’s criticism of the third-wave movement.

An interesting piece from NPR reviewed the latest Twilight movie. One comment stuck out: the movie reviewer wondered if the reason so many young women were ga-ga for the plot was because it involved delayed gratification – a foreign concept for most of Gen-Y. Yet perhaps that is why so many young women are enthralled with the story. Are they yearning for delayed gratification?

One young women said it best: “…You don’t have to marry someone in order to learn from spending time with them. There are some relationships that aren’t going anywhere, but you can still learn about yourself…”

What do you think?

Swatting Flies

This week, my roommates recently discovered flies in and around our house. (I personally, had killed three flies in my room, two wasps and one cockroach.) Could it be the trash? Extra moisture in the house or crumbs lying around? Who knows! Needless to say, I've kept a sharp eye out for any other critters who wish to meet an unfortunate death. 

Last night, while I was working at the internship, my roommates had a bonding session during which they attacked every fly in sight. I'm told one even began using her bare hands to crush them. 

Today I still spotted a few. So I gathered up a magazine - ready to strike.

Which makes me wonder: How often am I ready to strike, or confront problems when they arise? I pride myself in good, thorough communication skills. But when something is bothering me, how often do I breach the topic with the other party?

Confrontation is scary. During my two years as a Resident Assistant, we were taught the method known as "care"-frontation. In other words, there are ways to approach a subject tactfully. Constructive criticism about healthy behavior will probably be taken more favorably to a freshman than a slap on the wrist. 

On the same vein, when we face personal trials, how ready are we to own up to our struggles? I recently told a friend about a personal problem. She was sensitive, understanding and even willing to go the extra mile to help me out. 

Hebrews 10:24-25 says (The Message version here) 

So let's do it—full of belief, confident that we're presentable inside and out. Let's keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. He always keeps his word. Let's see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching.

This week in church the pastor pointed out the word "spur." He first described it as a light feather worn on a cowboy's boot to tickle horse so that he moves. Wait, really? No, I was checking to see if you were paying attention. That was in jest, of course. Spurs HURT. At least, I can imagine they do. So if we - metaphorically - give our friends a sharp jab with a - metaphorical - spur, its actually biblical. How are we to grow in our faith and maturity if we don't get a dose of reality from the ones who love us? 

And sometimes, we need to "jab" ourselves when we know we're out of line. But that can be the hardest reality to grasp.